80 Funniest Quotes About Christmas That’ll Sleigh Your Holiday Mood

Let’s face it—Christmas might be “the most wonderful time of the year,” but it’s also a goldmine for chaos, awkward moments, and seasonal meltdowns. And that’s exactly why the funniest quotes about Christmas exist: to help us laugh through the stress of tangled lights, burned cookies, and last-minute gift panic. Whether you’re stuck in line at a holiday market or just need a break from wrapping paper disasters, a dose of Christmas humor is the perfect remedy.

In this roundup, you’ll find quotes that poke fun at the madness of the holidays—from legendary comedians and beloved movies to your favorite sarcastic internet minds. Whether you’re updating your social feed, sending a funny card, or just looking for something that makes you giggle into your eggnog, these quotes have you covered.

Classic Comedians & Writers

These hilarious Christmas quotes from stand-up legends, witty authors, and sharp-tongued humorists will have you laughing like Santa on espresso.

“Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered.” – Phyllis Diller
“The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.” – George Carlin
“Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.” – Victor Borge
“Nothing’s as mean as giving a little child something useful for Christmas.” – Kin Hubbard
“There’s nothing sadder in this world than to awake Christmas morning and not be a child.” – Erma Bombeck
“Christmas is a season when you buy this year’s gifts with next year’s money.” – Author Unknown
“Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas.” – Johnny Carson
“One good thing about Christmas shopping is it toughens you for the January sales.” – Grace Kriley
“I once bought my kids a set of batteries for Christmas with a note on it saying, ‘Toys not included.’” – Bernard Manning
“Never worry about the size of your Christmas tree. In the eyes of children, they are all 30 feet tall.” – Larry Wilde
“Three phrases that sum up Christmas are: Peace on Earth, Goodwill to Men, and Batteries Not Included.” – Author Unknown
“The worst gift is a fruitcake. There is only one fruitcake in the entire world, and people keep sending it to each other.” – Johnny Carson
“Once again we find ourselves enmeshed in the holiday spirit—thick, sticky and hard to get off.” – Dave Barry
“A lovely thing about Christmas is that it’s compulsory, like a thunderstorm, and we all go through it together.” – Garrison Keillor
“Aren’t we forgetting the true meaning of Christmas? You know, the birth of Santa.” – Bart Simpson
“Christmas sweaters are only acceptable as a cry for help.” – Andy Borowitz
“You can tell a lot about a person by the way they handle three things: a rainy day, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas lights.” – Maya Angelou (probably fictionalized)
“What I like about Christmas is that you can make people forget the past with the present.” – Don Marquis
“Nothing says holidays like a cheese log.” – Ellen DeGeneres
“If you can’t wrap Christmas presents well, at least make it look like you had a fun fight with the wrapping paper.” – Author Unknown

Movie & TV Quotes

Sometimes the funniest quotes about Christmas come from the movies and shows we return to every year—timeless, quotable, and just the right amount of ridiculous.

“The best way to spread Christmas cheer is singing loud for all to hear.” – Elf
“I made my family disappear.” – Home Alone
“We’re gonna have the hap-hap-happiest Christmas since Bing Crosby tap-danced with Danny Kaye.” – National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation
“I’m eating junk and watching rubbish! You better come out and stop me!” – Home Alone
“Every time a bell rings, an angel gets his wings.” – It’s a Wonderful Life (adorably cheesy)
“Looks great! Little full, lotta sap.” – Christmas Vacation
“I wouldn’t touch you with a thirty-nine-and-a-half foot pole.” – The Grinch
“If you utter so much as one syllable, I’ll hunt you down and gut you like a fish!” – The Grinch (dark but hilarious)
“I don’t know what to say, but it’s Christmas, and we’re all in misery.” – Christmas Vacation
“You smell like beef and cheese. You don’t smell like Santa.” – Elf
“This is extremely important. Will you please tell Santa that instead of presents this year, I just want my family back?” – Home Alone
“Keep the change, ya filthy animal!” – Home Alone
“I planned out our whole day. First, we make snow angels for two hours, then we’ll go ice skating…” – Elf
“We’re your worst nightmare… Elves with attitude.” – The Santa Clause
“It’s Christmas Eve. It’s the one night of the year when we all act a little nicer.” – Scrooged
“This holiday season, I give you permission to eat all the cookies and blame it on Santa.” – The Office (paraphrased)
“You couldn’t hear a dump truck driving through a nitroglycerin plant!” – Christmas Vacation
“Faith is believing in things when common sense tells you not to.” – Miracle on 34th Street
“That’s not Santa. That’s a man who smells like beef jerky and regret.” – Brooklyn Nine-Nine
“Christmas isn’t just a day—it’s a frame of mind.” – Miracle on 34th Street

Sarcastic & Relatable Holiday Truths

For everyone who loves the holidays but rolls their eyes through them anyway, these funny Christmas quotes say what we’re all secretly thinking.

“Tis the season to be broke.” – Everyone
“Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year. Most of the time. Once in a while. Never mind, I’ll buy my own stuff.”
“Christmas: when you spend money you don’t have to buy gifts you don’t need for people you don’t like.”
“Why is it that at Christmas you always find yourself running out of time and money simultaneously?”
“I put so much thought into your gift… it’s still at the store.”
“My favorite part of Christmas is when everyone stops talking and just eats.”
“All I want for Christmas is for someone else to do the dishes.”
“Let’s be honest—wrapping paper is just expensive trash.”
“Nothing says ‘I love you’ like a gift card.”
“I’m not saying your Christmas tree is small, but a squirrel just mistook it for a snack.”
“Merry Christmas! May your relatives be less annoying than usual.”
“May your holiday be as organized as your Pinterest board (and as real as your tangled lights).”
“Fruitcake: because nothing says ‘I forgot about you’ like preserved nuts and sadness.”
“It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas.”
“Ah yes, Christmas… the time of year when your bank account is as empty as your patience.”
“My gift budget this year is ‘whatever’s left in my wallet after I panic-buy snacks.’”
“You know you’re an adult when your favorite gift is a quiet room.”
“Let’s not forget the true meaning of Christmas: awkward group texts.”
“This Christmas, I’m practicing gratitude for delivery tracking numbers.”
“I wish someone would wrap me up and leave me under a tree with a ‘do not disturb until January’ sign.”

Funny Quotes from Anonymous or Internet Sources

Internet humor knows no bounds, and these viral gems capture the absurdity of the season perfectly.

“Me: ‘I’m not going overboard this year.’ Also me: buys 47 rolls of wrapping paper and glitter antlers for the cat.”
“Christmas calories don’t count. That’s science.”
“I don’t need an angel on top of my tree. I already have one in the kitchen drinking wine.”
“Whoever said ‘it’s the thought that counts’ never received a crocheted cactus in a teacup.”
“I’m dreaming of a white Christmas. But if the white runs out, I’ll drink the red.”
“You know it’s Christmas when your fridge looks like a leftovers museum.”
“Holiday tip: Pretend you’re going somewhere warm so you can skip the Christmas party without guilt.”
“My tree’s theme this year is ‘Whatever was in the box labeled Christmas.’”
“Don’t get your tinsel in a tangle.”
“The only thing I want under the tree this year is a nap.”
“This season, give the gift of silence. You’re welcome.”
“If anyone needs me, I’ll be hiding in a pile of gift bags until January.”
“Can we all agree that wrapping paper is a scam designed by tape companies?”
“I only put up a Christmas tree so I have an excuse to eat cookies for breakfast.”
“Alexa, skip to December 26th.”
“I’m just here for the cookies and passive-aggressive family conversations.”
“Dear Santa, I can explain…”
“Santa saw your Instagram. You’re getting a dictionary.”
“My credit card bill this month says ‘Merry Christmas, sucker.’”
“If wrapping presents was an Olympic sport, I’d still finish last with tape in my hair.”